‘Get
rid of all bitterness, rage... anger... and slander... forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
forgave you.’ (Eph. 4:31-32)
‘He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.’ (Ps. 147:3)
WE have all been
wounded in life to varying degrees, often in our relationships with other
people. I have been hurt or wounded
myself many times, even as a Christian believer and as a pastor. Each heart knows the bitterness it has
experienced in life (Prov. 14:10).
In my ministry over the years,
perhaps the bitterest person I have had to deal with was a lady who was then in
her fifties and who had become a believer in one of the first churches I
pastored. As I sat with her in her home
one evening with her family present, she began to pour out many of the wounds
and hurts, the disillusionment and the bitterness which had built up within her
over the past several decades of her life.
She seemed to me to be poisoned by bitterness. After patiently listening to her for a while,
I gently broke into what she was saying and told her clearly that, to get free
of her bitterness, she needed to forgive the people who had hurt her and, if
possible, to get reconciled with them.
She was stunned into silence by these words. Nobody had ever told her this before, and to
forgive other people seemed anathema to her.
However, that evening, after talking
further with her and praying together with them, she promised that she would
begin this process with a particular relative in her extended family with whom
she had not spoken for about twenty years.
She would go, apologise and put things right with this person. And, what’s more, she did it. She then followed this up and did it again
with several other people as well. It
was not long before she began to be set free from the hurt and bitterness that
had been rooted within her for so many years, and she became a thoroughly
changed woman. She became a light for the
gospel in her town and remained a stalwart member of her church for many years
until she eventually passed away.
Are
you wounded inside?
Inner wounds, hurts and bruises are
often caused by problems in our relationships with other people, but
circumstances, events in life and disillusionment can also give rise to such
hurts. We can be wounded by people’s
words, by their actions towards us, by their attitudes, by broken relationships
or by things that have happened to us, and so on.
If a physical wound remains
untreated, it may continue to bleed in a specific part of our body, weakening
and debilitating us. If it continues to
remain untreated, infection can set in and it may go septic and fester. The infection may then spread through our
body, perhaps leading ultimately to death.
Another good illustration of this is
when a person gets a snakebite. If they
do not immediately suck the poison out of their body at the place where they
were bit (or if someone else does not do this for them), then the poison
quickly spreads to other parts of their body, paralysing them and then killing them. But addressing the problem immediately by
sucking the poison out can save their life.
There is a parallel to this with
inner spiritual wounds. We are warned in
Hebrews 12:15 not to allow bitterness to remain untreated, to take root and to
grow up within us when we have been hurt:
‘See to it that no
one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble
and defile many.’
Nursing such a root and allowing it to
grow within us can turn the initial hurt and anger of the wound into
resentment, rage, the poison of ongoing bitterness, holding a grudge against
the person, and even a desire for revenge by returning like for like. Even though we may or may not have been at
fault, or only partially so, regarding an offence done toward us, yet we often
tend to make the conscious mistake of holding on to a hurt, nursing it and
becoming resentful, rather than seeking release from it and letting it go. Someone once said that harbouring resentment
is like drinking poison yourself, but expecting the other person to die. So bitterness takes root, grows and begins to
cause trouble.
Furthermore, in our inner hurt and
anger, we often make the mistake of verbally speaking out our feelings of
bitterness to other people, often slandering and cursing the character of the
person who hurt us. The atmosphere
around us becomes sour. The initial evil
of the hurt done towards us has given rise to another evil within us, that of
spreading it around amongst others. This
then begins to defile or even poison their minds and hearts, and it can in
particular affect their own attitude towards the person who hurt us which can
become warped. In effect, we treat those around us as the rubbish bin for our own
problems. This can then lead to
gossip which spreads around among the community, defiling the minds of many
people.
Holding on to hurts and wounds and
becoming bitter, makes our heart become hard (e.g. Matt. 19:8, Heb. 3:7-8),
even sometimes towards God, and this can make us impervious to ministry, if we
blame God for what happened. Unforgiveness
cuts us off from his presence for as long as we do not deal with it. We are tormented in our mind and memories by
the wound and its associated events, often remembering every single detail and knowing
no inner peace. This root of bitterness will remain – perhaps for years – until we
agree with God to deal with it properly. It is not a rare thing to find people who are
still bitter over something that happened even decades ago. Worse still, evil spirits can take advantage
of our condition and gain a foothold in our life (Eph. 4:26-27), from which
vantage point they can inwardly hinder our spiritual growth, continuing to
torment and even bind us.
When we are bitter, we no longer
relate in a healthy way to the person who hurt us, often distancing or even
isolating ourselves. We may
not speak to a particular family member for years. We might leave our church
because of a broken relationship caused by being hurt. We may also be unable to relate effectively
and maturely with other believers as well, remaining immature and unhealthy on
the point on which we have been wounded because healthy spiritual growth
becomes stifled. We become chained to the problem in our past, and we cannot move on
in life healthy and free. Time
after time, whenever we think about or see that person, the undealt-with anger
and bitterness within us rises up yet again.
With deep or long-standing wounds, it is so often the case that rarely a
day or week goes by without thinking yet again about that person and what
happened.
Forgiveness is the key to inner
healing
Jesus taught his followers to pray: ‘Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our
debtors’ (Matt. 6:12), clearly showing that he expected that his followers
would learn to forgive others. As we saw
in chapter 2, the underlying meaning of the Greek words aphesis (meaning ‘remission’ and used for forgiveness) and apoluo (used in Luke 6:37 for
forgiveness) is that of being loosed or released from something. God looses and releases us from our
indebtedness to him and from judgement, and thereafter chooses to not remember
our sins anymore. So forgiveness is the
willingness to release someone from their indebtedness towards us and to let
them go.
Jesus also taught that if we will not
forgive other people, then God himself will not forgive us either: with the
measure we use, it will be measured to us (Matt. 6:14-15, 7:2, 18:35). Unforgiveness cuts us off from God’s
presence. The unmerciful servant took
his own forgiveness for granted, but he did not extend the same heart attitude
of forgiveness to others who needed his mercy, and he paid a heavy price for
this. He
never understood that his master’s display of mercy was in fact an exhortation
to him to begin to live in the same kind of way towards others (see
Matt. 18:21-35). In the kingdom of God,
it is those who grant mercy, who receive it (Matt. 5:7). God himself delights to show mercy (Mic.
7:18).
So our challenge in dealing with our inner
wounds is to imitate God (Eph. 5:1) who forgives those who sin against him:
‘…forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.' (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13)
Effectively,
our choice is to stay as we are with our wound, staying chained to it in
unforgiveness (or worse, becoming like the person who hurt us by rendering evil
for evil), or to become like God and so become free. By
becoming like God, we become free ourselves (Matt. 5:48).
Jesus’ own heart attitude on the cross was one of
forgiveness. He kept himself inwardly
free of the temptation to resent and hate those who had sinned against
him. He remained inwardly free by
refusing to hold on to any of the hurt he felt, by forgiving them. His words ‘Father,
forgive them for they know not what they do’ (Luke 23:34), spoken out as a
free, real and deep expression of God’s grace working within him, show us the
key to our own inner healing: by granting full and free forgiveness to
those who have hurt us, through the grace of the Holy Spirit working within us. The call to follow in Jesus’ footsteps as a
lifestyle is a call to grant forgiveness to others. If we are to forgive people and be inwardly
healed of the wounds that they have caused us (cf. Matt. 18:21), then we need
the grace of God to be working actively in our lives.
Because of his own
inward pain and hurt on the cross, Jesus empathises with our inward suffering
when we have been sinned against. He
carried our pain, grief and sorrow within himself on the cross, in order that
we might be healed (Isa. 53:4). And so, just as he did with Jesus, the Holy
Spirit within us can minister the grace of God to our heart at the depth needed
to heal us of our inner wounds and to set us free from any deeply-rooted
negative feelings and emotions that we have, becoming willing to forgive those
who have hurt us.
So forgiveness is not a matter of
words, of just saying it. In order for
us to be truly healed and set free, forgiveness has to be from the heart: full,
complete and total, through the grace of God working within us. Genuine
forgiveness simply means a willingness to fully release the person who hurt us,
without holding on anymore to any of the hurt, letting it all go. So it is a choice we make. However,
holding on to an attitude of unforgiveness simply condemns us to remaining
chained to our wound from the past with all of its inward torment.
If we refuse to forgive a particular
person (for whatever reason) and unforgiveness gets rooted in our heart as a
consequence, the likelihood is that we will then begin to not forgive yet other
people as well when they too hurt us. As
a result, unforgiveness becomes a lifestyle, resulting in a seemingly endless
cycle of hurts and broken relationships together with an ever-increasing
accumulation of inward bitterness, an ongoing bondage from which we find it all
but impossible to break free.
Not every believer has stolen in the
past or is a gossip in the present, but every believer will certainly be tested
sooner or later in this area of forgiveness.
Being unwilling to forgive means that we are not living in the grace of
God’s kingdom or under his authority, and so its effects and the spread of its
evil continue, whereas forgiveness closes the door on continuing evil in our life
and opens the door to God’s blessings upon us.
Unforgiveness is sin. It is a trap.
If we hold someone in unforgiveness, then we are simply responding to
their sin with another kind of sin.
Unforgiveness breeds ongoing resentment and ill-feeling, and it brings
us into bondage to unresolved anger, bitterness and slander. So Satan can take advantage of it, and the
destructive merry-go-round of sin then just continues on and on. We are completely defeated. To give place to unforgiveness within
oneself, is to have been outwitted by Satan. Sin can only be dealt with properly and
effectively through both whole-hearted repentance and genuine and complete
forgiveness (2 Cor. 2:10-11).
We need to realise that releasing
those who hurt us and forgiving them is not the same thing as letting them ‘get
off scot free.’ This is a point which
many young believers get confused about, and their misunderstanding is rooted
in the seeming injustice of forgiveness.
Forgiving someone seems like letting them off the hook and letting them
get away with what they did or said, whereas our heart cries out for justice
(and perhaps even revenge!). “They don’t
deserve it!”, we cry. However, the
willingness to forgive comes about through being open to allowing the grace of
God to work in our lives. His grace can
work in and through us when we open our hearts, but not when we close
them. We forgive others and release them
because God in his grace and mercy also forgave us when we ourselves did not
deserve it (Eph. 4:32). In releasing us
from our own indebtedness towards himself, God shows us his way to live.
Furthermore,
forgiveness is something that we do primarily for our own sakes, not for the
sake of the person who hurt us. In releasing them, we are released ourselves
from the negativity we have carried internally, and this allows God to bring
healing to our inner wound, washing away all the poison and bitterness that is
in our own heart, so that we are no longer chained to what happened in the
past.
However, although we choose to
forgive and release the other person, yet this does not absolve them of their
responsibility before God for what happened or of reaping the consequences of
what they did. The person is still accountable
to God, so this means that we can release them into his hands and trust him to
deal with them. When
we forgive someone, we give up our right to seek revenge against them: ‘“Vengeance is mine, I
will repay,” says the LORD.’ (Rom. 12:19). However, if they repent, God will also
forgive them, just as he also forgives us.
If they repent of what they did, he will not withhold his forgiveness
from them. Look at David’s heart-cry of
repentance in psalm 51. God forgave him,
but he still had to face the practical consequences of what he had done.
When we are willing to forgive the
other person, this releases the Holy Spirit to be able to bring conviction to
them, and this may then lead to repentance on their part as they realise their
wrong, so bringing about the possibility of reconciliation in our relationship
with them. However, to become free and stay free ourselves, we must forgive the person
whether they repent or not (and
we must also forgive ourselves for any part we played in the situation).
God’s wider intention in forgiveness is not only to free us within from the
hurt, hostility and tormented feelings that we have towards the person who hurt
us, it is also to wash away the inward feelings of guilt, failure and shame
that that person may have (if they repent), so that genuine reconciliation and
a new beginning in our relationship together become possible.
Forgiveness,
reconciliation and trust
Forgiveness brings about the
potential for reconciliation with the other person, and re-establishing the
broken or strained relationship is certainly the ideal (cf. Matt. 18:15). However, it is important not to confuse
forgiveness and reconciliation; they are not the same thing. Reconciliation presupposes that both parties
have accepted any wrong they have done and are both willing to apologise and
put things right. However, this is not
always the case. You may indeed forgive
on your part, yet the other person may not be willing to admit their wrong and
may continue to justify themselves. In
such cases, true reconciliation is not possible until the other person also
changes.
So if you have forgiven the other
person, it is important not to rush immediately and naïvely into trying to
reconcile the relationship. This needs
to be handled prayerfully and with wisdom, and it is a good thing to seek
counsel from your pastor (or his wife) about this step and about when you
should attempt to speak to the person about the problem that occurred (cf.
Matt. 18:15-16). Although you may have
forgiven the person, yet you are still tender, and the other person may not be
ready to reconcile yet. Indeed, they may
still be unrepentant, or they may not even care at all about what happened
between you. Furthermore, for a strained
relationship to be re-established, mutual trust has to be regained. This will take time and in fact it is not always
possible to regain trust in the relationship.
If you are aware that the other person
is not really willing to accept any wrongdoing on their part, then, even though
you yourself have forgiven them, it is wise to keep an appropriate distance in
your relationship with them. This will
prevent you from being hurt again in a similar way by that person. You need to protect yourself. In some cases, it is better simply to leave
the person alone and let God deal with them.
Move on from it all yourself in your new, healed and released state and
maintain your inner freedom.
Helpful scriptures
There are many Bible verses that
encourage us to believe that God wants to heal and free us from our inner
wounds. The following verses are some
examples that we can read and meditate upon.
God is a God who heals, and this was exemplified especially in the
ministry of Jesus which was characterised by healing people.
‘He heals the
broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.’ (Ps. 147:3)
‘A bruised reed he
will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out.’
(Isa. 42:3)
‘Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows…’ (Isa. 53:4 AV)
‘He has sent me to
bind up the broken-hearted… to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who
grieve…’ (Isa. 61:1-3)
‘Get rid of all
bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every kind of
malice. Be kind and compassionate to one
another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’
(Eph. 4:31-32)
Steps
to inner freedom and healing
The following steps will help you to
get healed and freed inwardly from your wound and its bitterness.
a.
Be honest about your
condition: you have a root festering within you, which is causing bondage
within you and a lack of inner freedom and peace.
b. Do
not continue to give in to the temptation to repay evil with evil, slandering
and cursing the person, or trying to take revenge (Rom. 12:17,19).
c.
Stop talking about the
problem to other people and stop verbally expressing the bitterness that you
feel (Eph. 4:29). You don’t have the
right to defile other people with your bitterness, anger, gossip and slander.
d. Recall
the issue. What happened? Who was the person? When did it happen? How did it happen?
e.
Recognise and accept that
God was not at fault concerning what happened.
Accusing him will simply prevent you from receiving the very grace and
healing power you need and that he can give you. The
problem was caused in daily living itself and probably in a relational
situation.
f.
The
crucial issue in the process of finding inner freedom is
not to miss God’s grace
which is always available to you (Heb. 4:16, 12:15). Jesus bore your pain, grief and sorrow within
himself on the cross, so that you may be healed of it (Isa. 53:4).
The overcoming grace of God is explored in chapter 15.
g.
Open up to God about the
problem, and also to your pastor (or his wife) who can handle your problem in a
discreet and mature way (1 John 1:7).
h. Confess
your need to be healed and released, and also confess your own sins: any
mistakes you yourself may have made in the situation, in consciously holding on
to the hurt you suffered, and perhaps also of spreading it around among others.
i.
Opening up to God about
the problem means that you bring it into the light, rather than keeping it
buried deep within. Invite Jesus to be
present – he is eternal and was there when it happened, and he knows all about
it. He loves you deeply and so, as you
open it up to him, invite and allow him to specifically touch, cleanse, heal
and free the tender, vulnerable and wounded part of you.
j.
Prayerfully, take a stand
of faith and command any evil spirits to depart from you, and proclaim to them
that you are retaking the ground within you that they have stolen from you.
k. Prayerfully,
ask the Holy Spirit to flood you inwardly with his grace which can strengthen
and save you, and can completely release you from the bondage you are in. God’s grace works at a deeper level than sin
and its effects within us (Rom. 5:20-21).
It will heal, cleanse and free you from all the hurt, pain, anger and
bitterness you feel.
l.
Claim and receive the
freedom and healing you need, according to the promises of God’s word.
m. Forgive
yourself for any part you played in the situation, and enter into freedom from
any inward feelings of guilt, failure and shame you feel, so that you can move
on from it all.
n. Agree
with God that you must completely release and forgive the person or people who
wounded you, and do this as a conscious act of your will, expressing it
verbally also.
o.
Begin to pray for them
that God will bless them (Luke 6:28, Rom. 12:20).
Go through these
steps to freedom as many times as you need until inward release and freedom
come. It may be necessary with deep or
longstanding wounds to go through these steps several times, and full release
may not come about for some time, but perseverance will indeed bring about the
freedom you need, if you are willing to completely forgive.
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