‘For out of the overflow
of the heart the mouth speaks.’
‘Do not let any
unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.’
(Eph. 4:29)
Life
and death are in the power of the tongue
THE
Bible has much to say about the tongue and how we use it. The tongue has the power to produce both life
and death (Prov. 18:21), so we can
destroy others (Prov. 11:9) or build them up by the words we speak (Eph.
4:29). Similarly, we can both praise God
and curse people with it (Jas. 3:9-10), and so on.
The world of the media, particularly
the so-called ‘gutter press,’ seems to thrive on people’s sinful love of
gossip, innuendo and scandal, and it feeds us a never-ending diet of information
about the personal lives of others (particularly so-called celebrities), much
of it of an intimate, spicy, sinful, gossipy, often intrusive and sometimes slanderous
or libellous nature. People whose lives
are subjected mercilessly to public scrutiny in this way are only too often
left hurt or devastated.
James warns us strongly about the destructive
power of the tongue:
‘The tongue also
is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole
course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell… It is a restless evil, full of deadly
poison.’ (Jas. 3:6,8)
Gossip
destroys trust between people
The destructive nature of gossip is
noted several times in the book of Proverbs.
In a word, gossip destroys
relationships and trust between people.
Let’s take perhaps the simplest scenario to illustrate this, with
persons A, B and C who know each other.
Person A gossips to person B about person C. Person B enjoys hearing about other people,
so s/he drinks in what s/he hears:
‘The words of a
gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.’
(Prov. 18:8, 26:22)
Person B is foolish, or perhaps
simply naïve enough to receive undiscerningly what s/he hears, because ‘A simple man believes anything.’ (Prov.
14:15). S/he does not think to judge or
find out whether what person A is saying is true or false; whether it is the
full truth or only partial truth; whether there is another side to the story
which needs to be known (Prov. 18:17); whether person A harbours ill-feeling
towards person C, especially if what was said was slanderous, character-destroying
or without foundation; or, whether it is uncovering something true about person
C which would deeply hurt person C if it were made known, and so on.
Having drunk in person A’s words,
person B now begins to think differently about person C; his/her attitude
towards person C is influenced negatively by person A. Person B may also go out and spread it around
to yet others, and so the chain of gossip begun by person A continues on,
perhaps even developing to become a malicious rumour about person C. One word becomes ten! Person B does not yet understand the
consequences of such a foolish action:
‘Whoever spreads
slander is a fool.’ (Prov. 10:18)
The next time person C meets person
B, perhaps not yet knowing what has been said behind his/her back, person C
notices that person B is responding in a different way towards him/her than
normal and remains a little distanced and perhaps even cold. Whether or not it was intentional, the net
effect of the gossip is that person A has succeeded in separating persons B and
C in their friendship:
‘A perverse man
stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.’ (Prov.
16:28)
‘Whoever
repeats the matter separates close friends.’ (Prov. 17:9)
When person C finally finds out what
has been said about him/her, s/he is very hurt and any trust in his/her
relationship with both persons A and B breaks down. Person B then feels like a fool for believing
what was said and for perhaps spreading it around, and begins to distance
him/herself from person A. So the
relationships between each of the three people are damaged, perhaps
permanently.
The word of God has many references
to the evil of gossip and its sister sins, slander and mockery. It is interesting that one of the Greek words
used for slander is diaballo, which
is related to the word diabolos which
means ‘devil.’ Slander (that is,
speaking about someone in such a way as to defame their character in the minds
of others) truly is the devil’s work and it grieves the Holy Spirit (Eph.
4:29-31). We are warned about the
dangers of ‘slinking about as a
talebearer’ (Lev. 19:16), about spreading false reports, giving false
testimony, being a malicious witness, and speaking against our brothers (Ex.
20:16, 23:1; Jas. 4:11). In Leviticus
19:16, the word used for ‘talebearer’ refers to a person who goes about as a
scandal-monger.
Proverbs 6:16-19 gives us a list of
seven things which the LORD hates, and among them are the following: a lying
tongue, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension
among brothers.
Gossip (and particularly slander)
destroys trust between people, separating friends. It
can also cause mistrust to develop between believers and church leaders. Its root cause may be simply a loose,
uncontrolled tongue, or, sometimes, it can have a root of self-interest at its
heart. The old cliché that idle hands do
the devil’s work is affirmed by Paul: idleness can lead to gossiping and
becoming busybodies, with such people going around ‘saying things they ought not to.’ (1 Tim. 5:13). The fruit of gossip may be suspicion, false
rumours, fear, the formation of cliques, lying, the breaking of friendships,
unforgiveness, bitterness, and so on. Gossip is destructive, poisonous and evil.
If not dealt with, it can undermine and destroy
a pastor’s work and even the whole life of a church community:
‘Consider what a great
forest is set on fire by a small spark.’
(Jas. 3:5)
Gossip amongst believers outside
church meetings (e.g. 1 Tim. 5:13), or among family members at home about other
people in church, about the leaders of the church and/or problems in the life
of the church, is problematic for the ongoing spiritual life of a church
community. Sometimes believers can quite
literally talk themselves out of the blessing they received at church, and then
they wonder why their spiritual lives are not consistently blessed! Such inappropriate or negative talk,
particularly in the presence of children or unsaved family members, tends to
have a negative effect on all concerned.
Believers, and particularly
children or unsaved family members, may become embittered, thinking that church
is just a hive of relational problems, and it comes as no surprise then if
children in particular grow up and develop a negative attitude towards church
life, perhaps even ending up not wanting to go to church at all. The
seeds of such bitterness were sown in their own homes by believing family
members through inappropriate talk about other people.
We would do well to heed the words of
James:
‘If anyone considers
himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives
himself and his religion is worthless.’ (Jas. 1:26)
To use the words of a well-known
poster which was often used during the Second World War: ‘Careless talk costs
spiritual lives!’
Building
confidence and trust in church life
In order to fulfil the mandate of
loving God and loving our neighbour in church life, we need to aim to create an atmosphere of trust and confidence amongst
ourselves as a family of believers. Cultivating
such a climate can then lead on to being more open with one another, accepting
one another, sharing personal issues with people whom we have learned to trust,
working together joyfully, and so on, building relationships between us which
have strong foundations.
The
key to this is keeping our relationships holy. If I tolerate gossip within my friendship
with another person, then this means that I am tolerating within that
friendship something which is sinful and which has the power to destroy, and
therefore the friendship becomes unholy, both for myself and for my
friend. This then not only hinders
healthy mutual spiritual growth and blessing within that friendship, it also
drags us both down under the negative effects of our gossip, and it will also
inevitably and ultimately cause hurt either to myself, to my friend, or to
others who become victims of our gossip.
To keep a relationship holy, I
need to determine that I will not tolerate gossip within it.
In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul talks of
taking captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Someone once said that our thoughts (and our
feelings) become our words, our words become our actions and our behaviour, and
our behaviour then influences and affects our relationships. So in order to cultivate healthy and holy
relationships, we need to be prepared to deal with the thoughts (and feelings)
that we have within ourselves, so that we do not express these in the form of
gossip, etc. Taking captive our
thoughts, and dealing before God with the way in which we think or feel about
someone or a situation, recognizing and confessing the wrong that we have
within ourselves from time to time, helps us to bring our thoughts (and as a
consequence our words and behaviour) into obedience to Christ. Then we do not express ourselves in
inappropriate or sinful ways in our relationships.
In church life, keeping our
relationships holy helps us to
proactively build up the house of God, refusing to engage in gossip which
would undermine its growth and pull it down:
‘The wise woman
builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.’
(Prov. 14:1)
Gossip destroys trust and confidence,
making it difficult to fulfil the mandate of creating loving relationships. So taking captive our thoughts and driving gossip
out of our lives is important and, if necessary, so also is disciplining a
person who is gossiping:
‘Drive
out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.’ (Prov.
22:10)
Integrity,
discretion and wisdom
The many statements in Proverbs about
the use of the tongue and its fruit, suggest that learning NOT to gossip is a matter of gaining wisdom with experience,
going from not understanding the potential damage which can be caused by a
loose or foolish tongue, to understanding this, and then to determining to
behave in such a way as not to allow such damage to occur. More than this, if the fear of the Lord is
the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 1:7) and if we are to be held to account for
every idle word we utter (Matt. 12:36), then surely we must learn the wisdom of
avoiding gossip. In order to develop
mutual trust, believers need to learn to speak with integrity, discretion and
wisdom.
a.
Build a good reputation for yourself
A good reputation is built up over
time by developing a godly character, demonstrated through wisdom both learnt and
applied. A good name is more desirable
than great riches (Prov. 22:1), and having a good reputation causes people to
respect and trust you. Similarly, but in
contrast, a bad reputation is not easily changed. Betraying a confidence through gossip, for
instance, will give you the stain of a bad reputation which will be difficult
to lose (Prov. 25:9, 29:10). So learn to
walk with the wise. Observe and get to
know them, understand and imitate their ways, and so become wise yourself
(Prov. 13:20). Do what they do, and stay
away from people who gossip (Prov. 14:17, 20:19).
b.
Act and speak with integrity
Learning to communicate with
integrity is basic to Christian character development, especially for leaders,
and again is basic to developing trust.
Integrity can be defined as adherence to moral principles, and as the
quality of being honest, sound and unimpaired.
Psalm 15:2-3 gives examples of integrity such as speaking the truth from
our heart, having no slander on our tongue, and not casting a slur on our
fellowman. It is such people who can
develop intimacy with the Lord (Ps. 15:1) and walk closely with him. Those who love life and wish to see long days
must keep their tongue from evil (Ps. 34:11-13, 1 Peter 3:10). Integrity does not betray a confidence (Prov.
25:9). We are expected to put off
slander and lying (Mark 7:22, Col. 3:8, Jas. 4:11). Timothy was exhorted to set an example to other
believers in his speech (1 Tim. 4:12).
The wives of church leaders, and older women in the church, are expected
not to be slanderers (1 Tim. 3:11, Titus 2:3).
Keeping our word is a key to developing trust in relationships, so we
need to learn to say what we mean, and to mean what we say.
c.
Speak with discretion
Another key to developing trust is
learning discretion (that is, behaving tactfully so as to avoid social
embarrassment or distress, especially when it comes to keeping
confidences). A discreet person can be
trusted to keep a secret (Prov. 11:13), and has learned that covering over an
offence quietly is wiser than blurting things out to other people (Prov. 12:23,
17:9, 19:11). In fact, covering over an
offence promotes love (Prov. 17:9), rather than creating potential
embarrassment. A beautiful woman without
discretion can be likened to a gold ring in a pig’s snout (Prov. 11:22). Discretion is linked closely to the
development of wisdom (Prov. 1:4, 2:11, 5:2).
A basic rule of thumb in discretion is to ask yourself whether a
particular person actually needs to know what you know about an
issue. If not, you shouldn’t tell them.
d.
The wisdom of holding your tongue
Learning to hold our tongue is a
lesson we all have to learn in life, and many conflicts and offences are thus
avoided:
‘When
words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.’
(Prov. 10:19)
Discreet people have learned to hold
their tongues and to let matters die down (Prov. 19:11). Where there is no tale-bearer the strife
ceases:
‘Without
wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.’ (Prov. 26:20)
e.
Avoid initiating or getting involved in gossip
A simple truth regarding gossip is
that ‘Where words are many, sin is not
absent…’ (Prov. 10:19), so we need to learn to avoid idle chatter about
other people (1 Tim. 5:13), especially in our own home. In short, we should learn to mind our own
business, and, we should stay out of things and then we won’t get hurt or end
up feeling foolish. It is more
profitable to pray for people, to talk to God about them, than to gossip to
others about them. Another important
rule of thumb is that if you share
personal issues with people who gossip, then one day they will also gossip
about you, so sooner or later you are bound to get hurt:
‘A
gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.’ (Prov.
20:19)
f.
Determine to build people up in what you say about
them to others
The apostle Paul exhorts us to
control our mouths and to speak to or about other people in such a way that it
builds them up, rather than pulls them down, so that the fruit of what we say
is positive and brings blessing (Eph. 4:29, Isa. 50:4). Some good rules of thumb would be:
·
Note what is good in a
person and gossip about that.
·
Or, if you really do feel
you need to say something negative about a person, then find at least two
positive things to say about them as well, to balance out the picture you present
of them.
·
Or, tell other people
nothing but what you have already spoken to the person him/herself. Do this in strict confidence, and even then
do it only if it really is necessary.
Some
other wise sayings relating to gossip
‘Wise men store up
knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.’ (Prov.
10:14)
‘The lips of the
righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is
perverse.’ (Prov. 10:32)
‘A man who lacks
judgement derides his neighbour, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.’
(Prov. 11:2)
‘The tongue of the wise
commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.’
(Prov. 15:2)
‘The tongue that brings
healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.’
(Prov. 15:4)
‘The heart of the
righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.’
(Prov. 15:28)
‘A
wicked man listens to evil lips; a liar pays attention to a malicious tongue.’
(Prov. 17:4)
‘A
fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating.’
(Prov.
18:6)
‘A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are
a snare to his soul.’ (Prov. 18:7)
Other
helpful rules of thumb
Before sharing something with another
person, first ask yourself five questions:
·
Are you certain that what
you have heard is completely true, or gives the full picture?
If
you are not sure, then find out first whether it is true or not, and then go on
to the next four questions.
·
Is what you have heard
confidential? Can it or should it be
shared openly?
If
it is confidential, then keep your mouth shut and don’t share it with anyone
else. If it can be shared, then still be
careful with whom you share it.
·
Is it helpful to others
to know this thing?
If it is not helpful to them to know,
then simply do not tell them.
·
Is it necessary for
anyone else to know about it?
If
it is not necessary, then again do not tell anyone else. Tell only people who do actually need to
know.
·
Do you know the person
well with whom you think you may share this information? Does s/he have integrity? Is s/he discreet?
If
you are not sure, then either simply don’t tell them anyway, or, test them
first by telling them something else that is relatively unimportant, and see
what they do with it. If they gossip
this around, then do not trust them with the information you are privy to. A person who is untrustworthy with little,
will also be untrustworthy with much (cf. Luke 16:10).
Other
useful principles
·
If you have anything to
say about someone, then say it to that
person, rather than to other people.
If you do not have the courage to do this, then don’t say anything at
all about him/her to others. If you do
say it to him/her, then there is no need at all for you to then relate to
others what you have said, as this can still become gossip or the sharing of
negative feelings which can perhaps wrongly influence the people you talk to.
·
Similarly, don’t gossip about a church leader behind
his/her back. If you have anything
to say, then, again, say it to him/her face to face. Similarly, don’t accept to listen to gossip
from other people about a church leader, tell them to go and tell it to that
leader face to face, or, if possible, call that leader into the conversation
and let them say it to you while the leader is present:
‘Do not entertain an
accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses.’
(1 Tim. 5:19)
·
Think about what you
intend to say, before you say it (cf. Eph. 4:29), and try to make sure that
what you say is appropriate and measured.
·
Learn
to become a listener, rather than a gossiper:
‘Let every man be quick to listen, slow to speak...’
(Jas. 1:19)
·
If you realize you have a
problem with gossiping, then it may help you to make an agreement with your
spouse to let him/her hold you accountable regarding what you say about other
people. Furthermore, agreeing to ‘fast
from gossip’ for a set number of days in your own home, with the purpose of not
saying anything at all about other people in that time period, will help you to
catch and stop yourself, as you become aware that you are beginning to do it. It is a profitable exercise to spend quality
time praying for other people, rather
than gossiping about them.
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