Copyright © 2025 Michael A.
Brown
Nota Bene
This article focuses on some aspects of the role of the husband/father in
the traditional heterosexual marriage relationship between male and
female. It draws on the example of
Joseph in the nativity story. No offence
is intended towards those who hold to other definitions of marriage, and your
understanding is therefore appreciated in this regard.
Reading: Matthew 1:18-25; 2:13-15,19-23
When a
mother has given birth to her baby, the natural response of everyone always seems
to be to ask how mother and baby are. In
the relief and joy of the moment, the father is often unwittingly left aside,
as mother and baby naturally become the centre of attention. But what about the father? How often do people ask after how he is
doing? No, he has not gone through
labour and given birth to a baby, of course, because he cannot, but he has
still been through the emotional, stressful and anxiety-laden experience that
childbirth often is. Furthermore, some
mothers become so absorbed in their newborn baby, that they make the mistake of
neglecting their husband for a while and he can begin to feel almost left out.
In terms
of how we celebrate Christmas, clearly the core emphasis in our preaching and
teaching has to be on the birth of the Saviour Jesus which is precisely why we
celebrate this festive season. So too,
emphasis is often placed on Mary’s role as the vessel chosen to bear the
Saviour from conception up to birth, and then to nurture him afterwards. To her credit, her response to the angel
Gabriel showed her to be a woman of faith (Luke 1:38). However, in much Christmas preaching and
teaching, Joseph hardly ever gets a mention. Too often, he is treated unconsciously as if
he is merely a supporting actor or even simply an extra with a minor role. However, in many ways, Joseph is the
unsung hero of the story, and there is much that we can learn from him,
especially in terms of the role of the husband/father in family life.
If the
wife/mother is the instinctive nest-maker of her home, then what is the role of
the husband/father? Someone once
suggested that perhaps a good way to illustrate his role is to liken him to the
strong wooden beams, metal girders or reinforced concrete pillars that make up
the underlying structure upon which and around which the entire home is
built. These provide strength, stability
and (hopefully!) reliability, and they allow the whole edifice to stand and to
remain standing. Although in our own day
and age we would never argue that single parenthood cannot succeed (in terms of
mother-child with no father present), yet in God’s economy the presence of a
husband/father was essential to the nativity story, and the role which Joseph
played was crucial to the overall success of God’s purpose.
What
kind of man was Joseph?
Joseph
comes across in the above passages from Matthew’s gospel as a down-to-earth,
steady, responsible and reliable man. He
is practical, rugged and resilient, and he can solve problems. He is evidently street-wise and can sense
danger. He is quiet, a man of few
words. He does not complain his way
through life, but simply gets on with things without any unnecessary fuss.[1]
However, above all these things, Joseph was also a
God-fearing and righteous man (1:19).[2] Such qualities of character in the father
are essential to the well-being and success of any family of believers, and
they are also essential for any adult man who would aspire to walk in a specific
purpose of God. Marriage between
believers is a three-fold cord made up of husband, wife and God himself, and its
three-fold nature makes it into a cord that cannot easily be broken (Eccl. 4:12). Every believing family needs a husband/father
figure who knows what it is to love and fear God primarily, who lives
practically in righteous ways according to the word of God, who is prayerful,
who exercises caring authority over his family, and who will do his best to try
to lead his family and mentor his children in the ways of God. A husband/father who puts God at the centre
of everything in marriage and family, brings God’s grace and blessing upon his
family in consequence.
This
example of Joseph also underlines the need for a husband/father to be a man who
can discern the voice of God, who can hear from God, who is willing to obey
him, and who can therefore lead his family in the light of what he knows God is
saying to him. Although there are many
multifarious and mundane decisions and choices to be made in the ongoing humdrum
daily experience of family life, and many of these can be taken quite happily
by the wife/mother, yet when it comes to the strategic guidance of a family’s
life, it is God’s order that the husband/father should take the lead, because
he is the one who has to carry the ultimate responsibility for the consequences
of such decisions. The buck stops with
him.
When we
look at the various vignettes of the nativity story that are recorded by Luke,
Mary comes across as being a natural conversationalist. She is recorded as having engaged in
conversation with the angel Gabriel, and later on, when she went to live with
Elizabeth for a few months, she spoke out a long stream of inspired praise to
God (a passage which is known as the Magnificat) (Luke 1:26-56). However, Matthew portrays Joseph as being a
man of much fewer words, which may perhaps reflect one of the intrinsic
differences between men and women. Several
parts of Matthew’s narrative are taken up with Joseph and his role in the whole
story, but not a single word of his is recorded. For example, he considered and thought about
how he would respond to the sudden unexpected news about Mary’s forthcoming pregnancy,
but any words he may have said are not recorded (1:18-19). God spoke to Joseph on four separate
occasions, not by having an angel appear before him (as with Mary), but by
having an angel speak to him in dreams.
Joseph’s recorded response in every situation is not in terms of what he
may have said verbally, but in terms of how he acted and what he did. And being sure that God had spoken to him,
Joseph implicitly obeyed on every occasion.
When God
wanted to give this couple strategic guidance in terms of geographical moves at
critical junctures, he spoke to Joseph, not to Mary. It was the husband/father who had to take the
overarching and ultimate responsibility for the family situation, since the
wife/mother was necessarily so focussed on the infant. Mother and child were vulnerable and highly
dependent on Joseph during this period of their family life, and therefore Joseph
had to hear this guidance from God for himself, so that he knew he was doing
the right thing. It was he who had to
take his family by night on the rough and demanding journey southwards through
the Sinai desert, and to make sure that they all got to Egypt safely. He would probably have taken them to live
among the Jewish émigré community in Alexandria where they would have been
welcomed as fellow Jews. Joseph could
easily have found work there as a carpenter in order to provide for his family.
Later
on, when the time came for them to return to Israel (after Herod died a couple
of years later), God again spoke to Joseph rather than to Mary. God had to guide them to not return to Joseph’s
own father’s home in Judea, which would have been the expected cultural thing
for Joseph to do in those days, but to go north to Nazareth in Galilee (which
was much further away from the danger presented by the new king Archelaus in
Jerusalem), and to set up their family home there (2:21-23). So again, Joseph had to know for himself that
he was doing the right thing for them all as a family. In Nazareth, they would probably have lived
in or near the home of Mary’s parents.[3] So God spoke to Joseph and made this guidance
clear to him, since final human responsibility for his family’s protection and safety
was incumbent on him.
A
call to selflessness and maturing in character
Before
they get married and decide to start a family, young adults have often become
fairly strong, independent, able and self-confident individuals. In this respect, the period of time between
getting married and deciding to have children is often a continuation of
singleness in many ways, except that the couple now do everything
together. It is a time when they can
travel freely and do many things they’ve always wanted to do. It is a blessed and fulfilling albeit often short
period of life.
However,
when they decide to start a family and the wife becomes pregnant and then gives
birth, this signals the end, and permanently so, to this kind of free,
independent lifestyle. Thereafter, their
lives will be forever changed. They will
never be the same again, and they can never go back to where they were
before. Having children forever changes
your life and your role in life.
A couple’s
decision to start having children is at the same time a decision to accept
vulnerability, weakness and unpredictability into their lives. In particular, regardless of how strong,
self-reliant and self-confident the man may have become, now and for many years
to come he will have vulnerability, weakness and unpredictability as constant
companions every single day of his life.
Their child is small and weak, physically immature, and for many years is
dependent upon its parents for provision, protection, support, etc. For the parents, the demands remain there
24-7 and they never go away.
Furthermore, the wife/mother bears a large share of the responsibility
for the nurturing process, and she finds herself depending more than she
previously did upon her husband for many things. At this stage, although it knows a lot of joy
and blessing with the child/ren, family life can often be exhausting. For the couple, it can seem like having to keep
many plates spinning day after day after endless day, and juggling all of the
work and responsibilities that they face, in order to make sure they can get
everything done.
So as far
as the husband/father is concerned, this is all a call not simply to a changing
role in life, but also to growing into much deeper maturity of character than
he has ever known before. It is true
that marriage and family much more than anything else in life are an all-round
maturing process for both the wife and the husband. To say merely that they have to ‘adjust
themselves’ to marriage and family is probably the most hyperbolic
understatement of all time!! Those who
refuse to mature and to truly grow up are simply condemning themselves to failure
at some point...
A man
has broad shoulders for a reason. He is
designed by God to carry weight and burden, both physically and figuratively,
just like the beams and pillars that make up a house. As the mother carries the burden of her
newborn child and engages with the never-ending demands of home-making, the
father, as well as helping with the various practicalities of daily family
life, has to carry the overarching and ultimate responsibility for both his
wife, his children and the home. As his
family grows, these burdens do not lessen, but rather increase. A husband/father has to learn to carry this
weight of responsibility over many years.
In order
to be successful over the longer term, marriage and family have no place for
selfishness or self-centred attitudes.
The all-round demands which come upon both wife/mother and
husband/father, especially in the early years of the lives of their children,
are such that they are often both stretched beyond their comfort zones, beyond
their physical strength and endurance, and beyond any present levels of wisdom
and knowledge to which they have attained at any given time. It is a humbling, demanding, and often
exhausting period of life in which both husband and wife, if they are to
successfully get through and overcome all the challenges that come their way,
must simply agree to learn and grow together, and to stick by and support one
another through it all, and to never give up in spite of the weariness,
irritations and tears that they may often experience. Their capacity to carry responsibility and to
endure, increases as they face and learn to overcome each new challenge that
comes their way. It is a call to
selflessness, to become other-centred and to continually give of oneself to
serve others in love, especially when those others are vulnerable, weak or in
need, rather than being focussed on one’s own selfish desires.
Such was
the process and the demands which Joseph had to accept and to face in his own
personal life from the time when he took Mary home as his (now-pregnant) wife
and onwards (1:24). He would no longer
be able to control all of the macro-factors and the issues of daily life which
impinged upon his life and their life together.
Addressing and negotiating his way through all of the different demands
and challenges which came his way is what made him develop into a fully adult
man in the all-round sense of that term.
That he was willing to allow these new challenges to mould and shape him
is evident from the narrative as we follow the story through.
Worldly
human security or dependency on God?
If we
have a choice in life’s journey, we would all probably choose what seems to us
to be the most secure route. But in
following the purpose of God for our life, it often does not work out that
way. To follow God and for him to be
able to fulfil his purpose through us, we have to learn the deep lesson that dependency
on him is essential. If we
choose worldly human security (which so often revolves around possessing money
and property) – and if in our heart we insist on this – then the simple truth
is that God will never be able to fulfil any significant divine purpose of his
through us. For his purpose to be
fulfilled, we have to agree to walk with God, to hear and obey him, to depend
on him for provision, to believe him to open up the way before us at every
stage, and to accept that our earthly security is ultimately in the hands of a
faithful and caring heavenly Father who will always provide for us. And because dependency on God is something
that we can only truly learn in practical experience, it often takes a long
time for God to get us to the point where we truly understand in practice that real
security in our life is always found in the context of dependency on God,
rather than on the ways of this world.
This is
what we see in the nativity story. In
the case of Joseph and Mary, it was not simply just about having a baby, it was
also at the same time about fulfilling a specific purpose that God himself had
for that baby. These two things were
inseparably bound up together, and so for them it became an unexpected and
often a roller-coaster journey. It was
definitely not the cosy and secure life they had been planning and hoping to make
together! From the time of the
conception onwards, we see major disruption of any plans that this betrothed
couple may have had for their life together, and they were both taken for a
significant period of time well out of their comfort zones, as the initial
phases of this purpose of God began to be worked out. They had to handle the potential
misunderstanding and rejection of people around them; they had to make difficult
journeys both during pregnancy and shortly after the time of birth; Mary gave
birth in circumstances that were far from ideal; they faced a very real and
dangerous threat against their newborn baby; they had to trust God for
guidance, provision and protection at every stage; and they ended up living in
places where they had never planned to live.
Such
details and aspects as these provide examples which sum up the difference in
practice between natural human-based security even in a believer’s life, and
the dependency on God that is essential to the working out of his purposes
through us. This all touches on the
issue of deep-down heart surrender to God.
Are we truly surrendered to him, so that he can work out his purposes
through us, and do we therefore find our security in him? Our response to every new major
challenge we face always reveals the true depth of our heart surrender… Or do we quietly deep-down inside insist on
creating our security in natural worldly human ways, and in consequence
effectively lose the potential of being involved in something significant for
God? Which of these do we see in Joseph
and Mary?
Surrender
to God’s purpose
Without
a doubt, when Joseph and Mary were betrothed with the full agreement and
support of their respective parents, just like any other engaged couple they would
have begun to dream and to make plans for their future life together: where
they would live, how many children they might have, and so on. This is all perfectly normal.
However,
from the time when the angel Gabriel came to announce to Mary that she would
conceive by the power of the Holy Spirit and bear the Son of God in her womb, their
lives and plans as a couple were disrupted.
Matthew’s narrative in particular shows just how great and far-reaching
this disruption was. The difference
between ‘living a normal life’ with all of its natural planning and desires,
and being caught up in a purpose of God which he is working out through us, is
stark.
When God
calls us and begins to work out a specific purpose of his through our life, we
soon learn that we can no longer call our life our own. It demands surrender. Surrender of the reins of our life into the
hands of God himself, surrender of the plans we have made for our life,
surrender of our will, our so-called rights, our time, our career, even our
physical body, etc. To follow through on
a call of God and to see it successfully through to its fulfilment, demands over
time a total surrender of ourselves into the hands of God, and it touches every
part of our life. Lack of
surrender always leads to failure, limitation or frustration in the working out
of God’s purpose. We can see
quite clearly Mary’s own willingness to submit herself fully to God’s plan for
her life (Luke 1:38), but neither she nor Joseph would have seen God’s plan for
them fulfilled (in bringing the Son of God into this world and nurturing his
growth from childhood into adulthood over many years), if they were not fully
surrendered. The fact that God’s purpose
was indeed fulfilled, shows just how willing these two young God-fearing adults
were to surrender themselves fully to God’s plan for them, and to flow with it
as it was worked out in and through their lives.
Firstly,
in some ways I am sure that the sudden news of her forthcoming conception and pregnancy
was as much as of a surprise to Mary as it was to Joseph too. To her credit, she responded in faith, but his
initial negative reaction was perfectly understandable. He must have been shocked, speechless and
disappointed, and must have felt deeply hurt and betrayed. To end the betrothal and to distance himself
from Mary was therefore the right thing to do.
I mean, who would want to marry an apparently morally unfaithful
girl?! And who knows what she would be
like after marriage too?! Joseph’s
thinking was based on righteous and God-fearing principles. However, his first dream in which the angel
told him that the foetus was divinely conceived, convinced him to put away his intention
to separate from Mary, and to submit himself with her to God’s newly-revealed
plan. This was the first thing he had to
learn to accept and to carry, and no doubt it would have involved potential
misunderstanding and gossip from other people.
This couple now found themselves having to be responsible together for
carrying this unexpected pregnancy through to its full term, long before they
were planning that this would happen in their lives, and then raising the child
to adulthood afterwards. Joseph
accepted and submitted himself to carrying this responsibility for the rest of
his natural life.[4]
Pregnancy
and birth: a time of increasing responsibility
The
journey to Bethlehem came at an unexpected time, and humanly speaking in many
ways it was probably the last thing that Mary needed. It meant more disruption for them as a couple. If we understand the narrative aright, then Mary
must have been in her ninth month and fairly close to the time of birth, and
yet they had to make a difficult journey to Bethlehem in order to register
themselves there in Joseph’s ancestral hometown, according to Caesar’s decree. As any married couple know, pregnancy is a
very delicate time for the mother, and the nearer she gets to the time of the
birth, the more she slows down physically and needs the support of those around
her. Mary would naturally have expected
and hoped to give birth at home where she was living.
Again,
although these circumstances brought about the fulfilment of the prophetic
destiny for the Messiah to be born in Bethlehem (Micah 5:2), yet humanly
speaking the couple had no control over this wider context of their lives. Caesar’s decree was law and that was that,
everyone simply had to obey. So whether
they liked it or not, both Mary and Joseph had to prepare themselves and go on
this journey when she was almost full-term (Luke 2:1-5). Joseph had to carry the burden of
responsibility of slowly and carefully getting his pregnant wife to Bethlehem over
several days without her going into premature labour – not an easy task! – and
then, having arrived, to find a place to stay so that they could then get themselves
registered.
We all
know the story which follows. The local
inn was full, and apparently no one else seems to have cared very much about
them, even though Mary’s pregnancy was by now full-term. Bethlehem would have been filled with people
all going there to get registered. So when
labour started, the place where Mary then gave birth was far from ideal (Luke
2:6-7). The central focus at a time of
birth is always naturally on the mother and child, and rightly so, of
course. But spare a thought for the
husband: he is not passive or simply standing idly by. Husbands go through a high degree of internal
stress and nervous anxiety when their wife gives birth, and, although many men may
internalise this stress, it is very real.
Yet their focus necessarily has to be on their wife and foetus/baby, and
they do everything they can practically to make sure that this time goes
through as smoothly as possible. They
have to cover up the often-volcanic anxiety and stress they are experiencing
within themselves, so that they can focus as fully as possible on their wife
and the birth. And as we all know, sometimes
a birth may not go smoothly and it can have complications, so creating even
more anxiety and stress… When the birth
is completed, both mother and father experience a sudden rush of joy and emotion
that releases all the pent-up feelings that they have been experiencing, and it
is at this point that many husbands/fathers shed tears of relief and joy
together with their wife (John 16:21). So
Joseph had to put his own feelings aside and focus on being the pillar of strength that Mary needed him to be through the time of her giving birth to the
baby Jesus.
Encountering
spiritual warfare
Many
believing parents will doubtless agree with the suggestion that spiritual
attacks have come at various times against their family and specifically
against their child/children, especially during the early years of the children’s
lives when vulnerability was so evident.
Satan hates marriage, he hates family, and he hates young life, and he
will do anything to attack and destroy these.
Whether in the form of intermittent health problems, or unexpected
accidents, or whatever else, spiritual attacks do come. Furthermore, it would also be true to say
that Satan often tries to wear down God-fearing parents by attacking their
children’s lives, and he often does this at unexpected times. It is the sheer vulnerability of the
situation that makes such attacks almost inevitable at some stage. Christian parents, and those hoping or soon
to become parents, need to be aware of this, so that when things do go awry and
unexpected things do happen with their child, then they can respond properly
without losing their own spiritual equilibrium and can remain strong through it.
If
Joseph had never really encountered what real spiritual warfare is before the
time when he took Mary home as his wife, then he certainly found out big time
what it is after the birth of the baby in Bethlehem. King Herod was a cruel,
vindictive and insecure tyrant who would not tolerate any opposition or threat
to his reign. So when he found out from
the Magi, and from the Jewish high priests and teachers of the law, that the
Messiah king was to be born in Bethlehem, he made plans to slaughter all the
young male infants there under two years old, in the hope that the baby Jesus
would be killed. This evil plan came
right against the baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph and, after receiving another
message from the angel in a dream, Joseph became aware of what was impending. So he took a deep breath and forthwith obeyed
the angel’s instruction: they got up, gathered their belongings, and left
Bethlehem to make their way to Egypt (2:1-15).
This new circumstance and decision were also both utterly unexpected for
them. Without a doubt, it had never
entered their minds that they would ever have to make such a journey to go and
live in Egypt, which was for them a foreign country.
At
this point, Joseph certainly had to take the lead. He did not wait until the next day, so that
the three of them could hopefully have a good night’s sleep before setting off
on this journey. No, he woke Mary up
straight away during the night, and they immediately gathered all their things
together and set off. Imagine: travelling
by night, with mother and baby atop a donkey’s back; losing yet more sleep even
though both mother and father were doubtless already wearied from lack of sleep
after the birth; probably experiencing a degree of inward anxiety because of
what they knew was impending; and going on a long and arduous journey
southwards into a foreign country to which they had probably never been
before. Then also having to find a
rental place to stay in Alexandria, and, for Joseph, finding work to support
his new family. I’ve no doubt that the
wise man Melchior’s gift of gold would certainly have come in useful on more
than one occasion (2:11)!
For Joseph as a husband/father, this would not have been an easy experience at all. He was now responsible for the well-being and protection of both his highly-dependent wife and newborn infant. And to secure a place to live and provision for them when they finally arrived in Alexandria. This was a man’s burden to carry on broad shoulders, and Joseph needed all the faith, prayerfulness and inward strength of character that he could muster, and be dependent on God to guide them, and to protect and keep them all unscathed on a journey during which they could potentially have become the victims of bandits and thieves, and to provide for them at every stage. It was Joseph who had to keep everything together. A steep personal learning curve? Taking the lead? Stretched seemingly beyond measure? Capacity to endure? Remaining steady through it all? Not giving way to complaining or murmuring against God? Selflessness and putting others first? Growing in practical faith? Developing as a man in many different ways as he shouldered this burden all along the way? You bet! All of these things, and big time too!
It is
noteworthy that within the context of Joseph’s headship and role as leader,
there seems to be no evidence of tension between husband Joseph and wife Mary
regarding their respective roles. They
appear to have worked together relatively smoothly as a couple.
A trite
and superficial mind might see little more than adventure in this family’s
journey to Egypt, but any couple who has had to take a baby or small infant on
a long, unexpected journey, travelling during the night, and so on, would have
some idea of what Joseph and Mary went through, and they would not at all minimise
the difficulties, stress and challenges involved.
Return
to a more stable family life
The return of the family to Nazareth after Herod’s
death signalled a return to a much more normal, stable and settled life, as the
rollercoaster of the last few years finally came to an end. It was here in Nazareth that Joseph and Mary
had several more children (Mark 3:31-32), and Joseph’s role would have settled into
a more normal (yet still demanding!) routine of daily work and the general
oversight of his growing family. As well
as protection and provision, and general practical help in family life, as a
father his role would have included doing his best to train his sons in God’s
ways of righteousness, modelling for them a godly lifestyle, and mentoring them
in daily life as they grew up into adulthood.
[1] Using
Myers-Briggs terminology, Joseph seems to have had an INTJ temperament
type. Such people tend to be more
independent and organised, and they are self-confident and hard working. They are good at reasoning their way through
solving problems, and they make decisions based on logic and reason. INTJs make good leaders. We can discern many of these traits in
Joseph.
[2] In Joseph’s first dream, the angel
addressed him as ‘son of David’ (1:20).
Although Herod was king of Judea (having been appointed to that position
by the Romans), he was not in fact Jewish, but Idumaean. The royal line of David’s descendants had
lost the throne since the time of the Babylonian captivity (1:12-16). Although Joseph must have been aware of his
inheritance in this regard (because the Jews in his time still kept accurate
genealogical records, again see 1:12-16), yet we will never know how much he
lived in the self-awareness of this. He
lived and worked as a simple carpenter in Judea. However, the parallelism and contrast
presented by Matthew in 1:18 – 2:23 between Herod the false king and his son
Archelaus on the one hand, and Joseph the rightful heir on the other, is
fascinating.
[3] It is not clear in either
Matthew’s or Luke’s narrative where Joseph’s hometown was. Bethlehem was certainly his family’s
ancestral home, which is why he went there to register with Mary. But it is not clear whether the home of
Joseph’s parents was in Bethlehem. Readers
can research this point for themselves on the internet. It is true that when they went to Bethlehem, Joseph
and Mary set out from Nazareth (Luke 2:4-5).
However, the words of Matthew 2:22 suggest that Joseph’s father’s home
was somewhere in Judea. Culturally, Joseph
and Mary would have been expected to live in the extension to the home of
Joseph’s parents that Joseph and his father would have built during the
betrothal period. This is why Joseph
initially intended to go there when they left Egypt.
[4] Although Joseph was certainly
still alive when Jesus was twelve years old, the gospel narratives seem to
portray Mary as being a widow during the time of his ministry. When he was on the cross, Jesus committed
Mary to the care of John (John 19:26-27).
Commentators therefore generally assume that Joseph must have passed
away at some stage before Jesus was thirty years old.
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